Y cuando menos te lo esperas ...

Sometimes I feel very Clarissa Explains it All in these things, but here it goes. Everything has been going fine, even well, in fact. For the first time in my life, oddly enough, I like my jobs. I don't mind going to work. And I am pretty much somewhere every single day. I also pretty much don't have a social life anymore with being somewhere in the perpetual morning. But, I like it better this way. Through this routine I get to discover what I like and who I am becoming.It also keeps me "good" I should add. But, my infinite spiritual connectedness lesson is not the point this time.

A summer progressed I have been doing something all waking hours making my eight hours of sleep detrimental. I say this because I have been working about 45-50 hours a week. It slowed when I didn't enroll for the rest of summer classes (Summer II, appropriately named). Enrollment for fall came. I researched classes, chose the ones I wanted (missing two that I needed to make a perfect full-time schedule) and began the mental commitment to this next chapter that I chose- student loans and a 3 years here.

My doubts arose more than before and from those fears came strength to let go. I got rid of the idea of what people expect me to be.I feel like with full time Masters on my plate I seem more respectable. I can go to school for anything and enjoy it because I like constant learning. And anyone who knows me knows that I love children. As quickly as the dedication to becoming an elementary teacher came so did my doubts. I just cannot commit to 3 more years in Scranton for a program that I am not fully invested in. I am being pulled somewhere else. Instead of financial stability, I need to co-mingle with folks who live in cities, believe in gay marriage, bicycle for their health and the earth, share books, play outside, are liberal/open, etc. I must live by myself and take care of myself in my dog. And it cannot be in the far away future. I want to live in a city and struggle to bring my groceries home on my bike, bring my clothes to a laundromat , pay too much for a beer or meal because they can charge you that. I want to met people by coincidence simply by walking through the city.

No matter how much time it takes you to get where you are going it is never wasted. I believe it is exactly what you need at that moment in your life. As I get older it seems to me that everything is builds off your circumstantial experiences. Had I not lost my job, moved to Costa Rica and moved home I would never be working as a yoga teacher and for an amazing non-profit. What I am more surprised about is being a yoga teacher.

I have always known that I will be doing yoga the rest of my life. I never expected to be a yoga teacher. But, I honestly love it and would like to make this part of my life forever, too. There is something amazing about connecting and feeling the energy of a class in addition to exuding your energy to motivate a class. And this is just the beginning. I hope I can spiritually be a help to the students, too. In many ways this means more to me than any "job" I have had in my life. And it all happened when I least expected it.

So, with everything in the past year- questions about where I should go and what I should do, these aren't yet answered and maybe never will be. Life is always changing. When you are s child it seems it takes forever to grow up. And once you graduate high school years fly by like weeks. Nothing is ever typical whether you decide to get married and have a family or decide you must know the rest of the world before you leave it this time. I will never stop growing and learning, but I will never stop being who I am.

No more expectations. I don't know where I am exactly going, but isn't that the beauty?

déjame en paz

 It's official. I am now a yoga teacher. If you asked me three years ago when I began this practice if I would ever become a teacher, I would have probably looked at you crazy. I must admit it is as challenging as it is addictive. And I have trained intensely to become this. I can also admit that you cannot be a teacher of this practice until you are a devoted student. So, in honesty, I have been training to become a teacher for the last three years.

The training itself has been rigorous. I have bought Bikram audio, read books and studied more for this than I did for many undergraduate courses. During the almost two months training my life had been completely consumed by Bikram yoga. In many ways I ate, slept, and lived yoga. This was good. It prepared me to teach today.

Though I am only a few classes deep in my start as a teacher, I feel like I have the confidence and preparation to do my best to motivate my students in their practice. I know I will only improve in time. And I am already aware of some things I can improve on. Before class starts I usually get filled with an adrenaline rush that makes me nervous. My hands get clammy and I take deep breaths. Once the pranayama breathing is over, I tend to get more comfortable with the class and can be a bit loud. My claps and voice soar as my enthusiasm to keep the class encouraged kicks in. I also have a problem with lefts and rights. But, I am told that this is a common mistake that will get better with more practice. In addition, I may hold some postures for longer or shorter than they should be held. I feel like all these are humble mistakes that will come with patience, just like our practice. You don’t automatically start practicing yoga and are able to do full extent of the postures. They take time. It takes discipline and mental determination to allow your body to open up and one day surprise yourself. This is how I also look at my teaching. I know the dialogue, benefits, timing, etc. but, it will be a bit (20 classes I’m told) before we can really improve our teaching. Each class is a learning experience. This is also why it is so important for me to practice as much as possible, too.

Friday evening I taught my 3^rd class, but this class was more significant than just another class under my belt helping me to get more comfortable with my teaching. It was valuable to me because my guru would be taking it. For about a year now I have looked up to one of the yoga teachers and now friend. She is someone who is just, open, intelligent, compassionate, etc. In short I really admire her. Her importance is more than the fact that she is amazing because she is the one who encouraged and recommended me to become a teacher. Her presence in the class intimidates me more than my teacher of the training. But, I was grateful for her attendance in the class. It serves as something symbolic to me because of how much I look up to her and have learned from her and now she was the student in my class.

I made my anticipated mistakes and choked on some words, among other things. Afterwards, she gave me her honest feedback which was so good to hear. All my mistakes are fixable and will hopefully be mended in time. One thing she said stuck in my mind. She said that I was a "natural". I couldn't contain my smile.

The circle of life had completed itself in my mind. From teacher to student to student turned teacher. I cannot correctly put into words how magical of a journey this has been. Spiritually, I have progressed ions, emotionally and physically too. It’s just amazing the power of having someone believe in you which turn into confidence in yourself.

I remember before all the training and teaching started. I had thanked her for introducing me to this wonderful world. She responded to me with “In due time, you will do the very same for a special person who you sincerely BELIEVE in…”.

This is why I love yoga so much. We are all on a spiritual journey.  We help each other which helps our own journey.

The more I attend class and teach the more love I feel whether it’s improving my own practice or helping other’s improve their practice. We all have something to learn from one another in this never ending journey that is yoga. I am so grateful!

I hope that I can touch someone else the way this practice has done for me.

que es lo que piensa

Recently a lot of people have been asking me what I am doing with my life. I immediately tell them I am going back to school for a teacher certification, but in the present I am in pursuit of being a yoga teacher, teach preschool classes, watch kids and volunteer. The truth. Most people are more satisfied by a more socially accepted answer of reaching a material goal like a degree, ore probably more important, a status-sounding job. Usually, I accentuate the teacher certification to let people know I am still serious and motivated.

But, I feel like I am! I am so proud of and excited to become a yoga teacher. Maybe it's good for you to understand how I "got into" hot yoga. I recently recall two women in the bathroom post class discussing this exact question. But, it's truly interesting and I find myself and others like me genuinely interested. So, yeah, I "fell into" this kind of yoga in 2008. I tried some different yoga classes in the city, but nothing got me truly engaged. I remember wanting to feel like I'd already loved yoga, but I didn't. I discovered what a former love of mine and countless others already knew in the city- Bikram. I'd given it a try and have been truly dedicated since. I like the forever challenge.

Though while living in the city, working full-time, MBA pursuit, and my dog I could never get a chance to practice to the extent of how I have been in the last year (about 3 to 5 times a week). I feel stronger and a bit muscle-y, but one of my most favorite things about the practice are the spiritual/meditative experience I get through it. More recently, I have had more astounding spiritual discoveries, but it just feels necessary to have. I think my practice had improved much in the past couple months, though I know I have endless mountains of improvement.

This just seems right. And just how so many things work out- everything just magically arrived at the right place at the right time. Through the grapevine, it extended itself to me. At first I thought, I couldn't. I thought my practice wasn't good enough, etc. But then I thought "How could I NOT"!.

I think sometimes people don't understand what it is like to have this dedication. It's so much fun and I do it because I love it, but there are times when it is a challenge because it's also discipline, courage, much patience. It's takes ridiculous amounts of physical and emotional strength- it's quite a journey. Since beginning this training I pretty much live yoga. I read up on the Bhavagad Git and Mahabharata. I had slept with cds on repeat, picking up Bikram's worst and most silly banter. I decided that the tapes didn't work best for me. I've been memorizing for hours a day which helps me to get the dialogue down. But, it's just a stepping stone from there- making sure you're timing things OK and not sounding exactly like a robot. But, I find it ironic and just like yoga itself- making breakthroughs in time.

Currently, I would say we're more then half-way through. Teaching is following soon after. I am very excited to begin teaching. I'm more enthralled to start teaching comfortably and adding more of myself. I am nervous, too. But, I am considering what a great learning experience it is for me. It allowed me to take my practice to a much better place while keeping me honest with myself and perhaps will encourage others- what a true gift. I am so lucky to be here now. And everything just worked out so well- everything!

On one more positive upswing- I got accepted to graduate school for a Masters of Arts in Teaching. It's a really good program so I am definitely more elated to get a better education to be more prepared than just perhaps a teaching certification would provide. Also, I have the time now to commit to it, so why not? It will only further myself in the future. In addition, I'm scared to commit to Scranton for another couple of years. There's a definite list of pros and cons, but I think again the positives  largely outweigh the negatives.

I guess what happens is never really what you expected, but what fun would that be. I certainly am not at my goal destination,  but isn't that the point of this journey? I am learning to be patient and content with my life while looking forward to the future. I think I'm finally beginning to get it.

This brings me to a piece of wisdom from my friend (and of course someone more widely known), "When the student is ready the teacher will come. Well, literally in all senses this calls true to me. Everything is just happening in an already mapped out predestined sequence of events. I accept, humbly.

I am ready for my next chapter. 

En la reencarnación

Being a Westerner and raised Catholic, it's kind of taboo that I believe in reincarnation. I must also admit this is a sudden belief that I've come to. How I've come to it might be equally as interesting.

Reincarnation best describes the concept where the soul or spirit, after the death of the body, is believed to return to live in a new human body, or, in some traditions, either as a human being, animal or plant.

In Costa Rica I met some interesting yogis. Our discussions dealt more with consciousness than what happens when our soul leaves this body. Simultaneously, I was introduced to "Morgan Freeman's Through the Wormhole". I happened to see an episode (on my laptop since we didn't have TV) on what happens to our consciousness when we die. Rather than presenting an ultimate truth, this TV show merely presented a varying array of conflicting experts ideas. One person, whom agreed with my best friend said that consciousness simply ends when the body shuts down. Others believed that that consciousness is transferred or reincarnated.

As I previously stated, I was raised Roman Catholic so it was very hard for me to give up the thought that I have only one life and that all my efforts or karma from this life will reflect into the afterlife, which I desperately wanted to be heaven. Now, back in the states I have seriously gotten into yoga. But, not just the physical side, but the physical meditative side as well.

A few months ago I met with a physic/medium. I was very excited to met with her- I wanted to know who I would become, if I would get married, have kids, etc., you know, the normal things you expect to hear from a psychic reading. After placing her hands over my body and chakras, she told me some interesting things. She mentioned two of my past lives- one in which I was blind and the other in which I was an acrobat in a King's court.

I took these findings (to me since I do not recall my past lives) lightly. But, this reading inspired me to get more serious about my spiritual knowledge. At the advice of one of my gurus and friend, I read the Bhagavad Gita and Mahabarata. These readings have influenced me on my current reading of Ram Dass's "Paths to God". Interestingly (and maybe not so surprisingly), he mentions that most of the East believes in reincarnation. Also that during the era in which Jesus would have lived the world did believe in reincarnation. It wasn't until 500 or 600 A.D. that reincarnation was debated by the Church and of course it was dismissed. The Church maintains more control if they can threaten you will heaven or hell. That's pretty frightening, but when you look some of the things the Christian Church has done it's not at all shocking or as gruesome as some of the other grotesque things it has done.

Of course, I do not know the ultimate truth. It can be determined I like researching such spiritual topics. I am finding understanding in this concept. Some things cannot be explained. And of course, we don't have many people walking around the earth telling about how things we bad in their past lives. But, it makes sense. Some people innately are good at things or know what they want to do- their dharma. I wish I had it a little easier like these people. But, I do know that we are all sent here for a purpose to fulfill. And chances are, you will be back. That's why I think it's dire to care about this earth we share and the people we share the earth with because when it comes down to it we really are (distant) brothers and sisters. Who knows what side of the earth you were on before or where you will go to next or if you will even return to this planet?

Also, I think back to what the psychic/medium had told me about being blind in a past life. I remember when she first told me about this. A few hours later, I sat alone feeling sorry for myself and cried. How sad that I had lived in this beautiful world and not been able to see anything. Perhaps I was being punished for being a bad person in a life preceding that? Or maybe it was a good thing. From what I am learning taking away the senses like sight can bring us closer to meditation and feeling oneness. I'll probably never know in this incarnation. But, that's probably a good thing too.

According to Buddhist (and some other Eastern) beliefs your karma perpetually affects you and you can go up and down the ladder of hell or into the Enlightened state of the Buddha (or Brahman) for future lives. However, when I consider this I think of the peace of meditation. Perhaps, that blissful state is the peace we are all seeking. True happiness is contentment regardless of attachment to physical things like money or emotional things like status. When you take away all your attachment who are you really? That is where you will find your peace.

One of my favorite quotes of Gita is "Never was there a time when I did not exist, nor you, nor all these kings; nor in the future shall any of us cease to be." (Verse 2.12)

De la granja a la mesa

I haven't had to "explain" myself more frequently than I have had to in my good ole hometown of Scranton, PA. Surprisingly (or maybe not), I would confide I've gotten "questioned" (criticized) more here than in Costa Rica. So, allow me to set the record straight and in writing so in the case I get frustrated with you I may just refer you here. This is by no means to change your eating habits, but I would like to open you up to my views.

I started questioning meat as child. I come from a highly carnivorous family red meats like filet mignon, being one of their most favorites. My parents had lived in Germany for some time before I was born so they took back to the United States some German traditions like veal covered in cheese and spaetzel which I still enjoy. I remember asking my mom at about 6 or 7 where veal had come from. And she told me the absolute truth- how it was so tender and what was done to reach that tenderness! From that moment I decided I wasn't going to eat veal anymore. Though in actuality, I probably stopped eating it completely a few years later.

I didn't question chicken or red meat until much later. This is most likely due in part to society. McDonald's, Wendy's, Kid Cuisine, Chick-Fil-A, etc. are/were all part of main stream America's eating pattern and until you eat differently you don't realize all the harm it's causing your body. I stopped eating red meat at some point in college and chicken my senior year of college. It was a gradual process- when I stopped eating veal I questioned red meat, when I stopped eating red meat I questioned and stopped eating chicken. Now, I am on the verge of ceasing to consume fish. For the same reasons as not eating meat anymore fish is starting to "creep me out".

Of course you may be able to conclude from my views that I have read the popular books from Michael Pollack, "In Defense of Food" and "The Omnivore's Dilemma". What I have gathered from these books doesn't necessarily agree with my view on vegetarianism. I would suggest if you are curious enough to ask me why I am a vegetarian, please read these books. In short, they suggest that the mass production of food (particularly the way Americans consume) is detrimental to both Americans and the animals which we consume- every 20/20 special and any research concludes this. These books also indicate that people must eat actual food- not powdered, instant, microwavable, canned, packaged, astronaut ice cream garbage. This also applies to vegetarians and vegans some tofurkey, tofu dogs, etc. (fake meats in many forms) have just as many silly illegible ingredients as jello. Sometimes I get "You don't know what you're missing" from a carnivore. I'd like to just say "Do you know what you're ingesting? If you only knew what you were getting". Thank the stars I'm missing animal carcasses, hormones, by-products, etc. from my diet!!

Again, think what you will. What works for me is being a vegetarian. I like to eat what I consider to be "real" food that has the least amount of animals products as possible. I like to be able to read the label and ingredients and understand what they are, firstly. I also think its important that the food is good for my body. Yes, I definitely eat unhealthy from time to time but not without "guilty conscious". Did you ever notice post-binge eating greasy or unhealthy foods you go into a "food coma" with stomach pain? That's the affect of unhealthy food on your body, which may or may not include meat.

Your eating habits are your lifestyle. They are very important to who you are whether you think so or not. I've been on the vegetarian train for a while now. And sometimes I think I should go vegan. From what I understand vegans do it more for animal rights than anything else which I get. As a spiritual person, I can go a little more extreme with this and think- OK, so if we can't eat any animal products why should we eat plants- they are still living things too!? I am vegetarian because I am OK with eating animal products like milk, but I am not cool with eating their bodies. I am sure if I found out more information about how these mass produced products got to my fridge I would reconsider. But, right now I do not know. I have a half-gallon of vanilla bean ice cream I am looking forward to eating.

Again, these are solely my thoughts which I may have needed to be expanded upon for quite some time now. I do not agree nor disagree with what you choose to consume. I believe these are all lifestyle choices and no one has the right to tell someone how they should live. I am simply expressing my view. I think that is integral to learning about yourself and the world. I'd like to add, I like who I am and am still able to eat out and normally! I hope you think about others, animals, the world and future generations. We need to remember that we are leaving this world one day and the future of the earth and all it's inhabitants- animals and people, depends on what we do now.

El dolor nos abrazamos se convierte en alegría

SNAP! I finally broke. I think it's because I never "mourned" the loss of my life last year. I consider myself a very strong person who is many times too stubborn for my own good. I pride myself on dealing with things alone. In my yoga classroom what comes to mind is "You have to feel it to heal it" and "The only way out is through". This is relevant because I never went "through" it. I always knew those feeling were there, but more often than not I decided to put on a happy face and be strong for everyone besides myself.

I have always had to deal with some heavy issues since childhood. For my own privacy and little dignity I have left I will not discuss what in particular I have gone through (especially on a public blog), but let's just remind ourselves "Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes".  Life is unfair and I think everyone gets their own heavy burden of things to endure. What separates us is how we each choose to deal with it and move on in our own individual lives.

Yes, of course, I think too often about the past. But, I never felt my pain. I perhaps shed a few tears, however, I never got really upset or hysterical about my complete 360 change of life. I need to cry it out instead of get wasted to avoid feeling. It's hard because our society often times deems you better or stronger of a person by not showing your feelings, more specifically pain. But, if you don't feel and shed the pain you will never heal.

Fact- things will never go back to the way they were so you should just appreciate what you had. I believe that everything has its own reason for happening even if it's negative. The world is full of signs to help lead you to where you belong.

And let's be blatantly honest (since I seem to do this so well), I by not means have or have had a bad life. I am just going through major life changes for the third time this year. It's OK to feel overwhelmed, hurt, lost, upset, etc. I think these are very common emotions for people, especially people in their 20's.

After three moves this year, twice within this state and once outside of the country I finally experienced my "meltdown". To pinpoint the exact reason for it I don't know, but I can speculate. I can conclude it's because I lost someone I loved not on it's own accord, but due to outside circumstances. I cannot say whether it would have lasted anyway, but it makes it harder to accept that I didn't get to see that for myself. Also, a complete change in my career (or lack there of) is in process. This is good. But, it's also something hard to accept when many of my friends are on their career path for several years now. Lastly, being unemployed takes a huge emotional toll from a person. Why, yes, it's nice not to have to work everyday, but, there are only so many free days you can have before it becomes insanely boring and feel less and less like a productive member of society. When people ask "What do you do?" a fairly common first question to ask a person, I respond with "I volunteer and practice yoga". That is truly what I do. And it's not enough to keep me satisfied, but I am grateful for these activities.

Unbeknown to me,I think the lack of me dealing with these emotions had finally caught up with me and I "lost it". I am too embarrassed to let it be known what actually happened, but let's just conclude that with the help of vodka and having reached the tipping point I let them out. How I did it was probably the worst way someone could let these toxic feelings out, I in turn tried to drag my friends into this hurtful place with me.

It's discomforting knowing what I had done. I cannot take anything back and I feel more sorrow than I even knew I had. I'm lucky to have amazing friends who even at my worst understand the reasoning behind my irrational behavior and have forgiven me and are ready to move on.

In addition, I learned something. I learned that I am more damaged than perhaps I knew. But, I also learned that the feelings you have must be felt or else it will lead into much more of a pernicious situation than you were first dealing with.

I hope you embrace the hurt you have and make it into joy!

que se encuentra debe perderse

A lot of life has happened to me. More than I deserve, but all that I needed. The saying goes "You don't get what you want, you get what you need". Sometimes I think back to all my life experiences and think Wow! Did that really just happen? Without going into intricate detail I will just say I never let money or fear hold me back. Traveling being one of my biggest passions, I have always found a way to pursue my dreams. I was fortunate to move to Los Angeles, Philadelphia and Costa Rica. Some for short periods of time, others for years.

Within the past year I have moved three times. I was on the "right" path. I use quotations because I think many times society deems certain roads more acceptable than others. I have my Bachelors degree in Marketing and after working countless crappy jobs in order to maintain my life in Philadelphia, I finally had a job I thought I wanted. I was working in Development for United Way of Southeastern Pennsylvania. I was sure that non-profit had been the route I wanted to take. After working in heartless corporation after immoral corporation I finally landed a job in the non-profit world, which is somewhat difficult unless you have a connection (which I also luckily had). I believed this was the correct next step for me. I had always kept myself busy outside of work with many philanthropic activities such as Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America and HIV/AIDS Fund Philly.  This job just seemed to encompass everything I had done- customer service, good works and business since the job was in Development.

The atmosphere was enchanting. Even the receptionist always greeted you and asked how your weekend was and for the most part everyone had smiles and was happy. I thought to myself, "How wonderful!". I loved most of the people I came in contact with and I believed in what United Way had done and was doing for the community. We often had meetings which entailed videos about how we changed peoples lives during which I would have to hold back alligator tears of happiness.

Simultaneously, I had been in an MBA program at Philadelphia University. My previous employer was paying for this higher education, but while enrolled in a second semester of MBA I learned that my company would be moving my job to Minnesota where I had the option to relocate. At first, I thought I should go if I didn't find a job which I was a bit doubtful of due to the economy. But, as if all the planets had aligned I found a job within the first few months of being told of the downsizing/relocation offer. I couldn't be happier. And now more than ever I had believed in fate. If I hadn't been told I'd be loosing my job I would have never searched for a new job and found United Way. I was content at my old job. I was there a while and very proactive- involved in clubs and a biking initiative, plus they were paying for my MBA. I was planning on staying there at least until that was completed. I even had they sponsor me in Spanish lessons. They were a testing company so it was fairly easy to get them to sponsor you for higher education programs.

But, United Way would be a $10,000 pay increase and a career move toward something I wanted to do. It was perfect, so I thought! A 15 walk through the city from my apartment. I had meeting in some high rises I had never been to. I could meet people in the city after work for drinks! Everything had been perfect, I thought. As quickly as it began, it ended. I was told that there was a restructuring and I was let go, in a very nice manner. My boss gave me a box for my things, told me to use her as a reference and given cab money for the ride home.

I thought my life was over. I was finally in a great place. I was financially stable, pursuing more education and simply content. I couldn't understand why this had happened. Sadness and self-loathing consumed my body. And I thought- OK, I need to be humbled AGAIN! I lost EVERYTHING, or so I thought.

That very same day I walked to UPenn to meet my best friend during her break to try and make sense of what happened. By the end of our conversation she decided she would quit her job and we would move to another country to teach English. It seemed a lot of people were using this as a way to get abroad- Why not us? She had hated her job for a while now. So, I broke up with my boyfriend, got a new tenant for my apartment and moved home with my mom and dad to save money for the move.

I had three months in Scranton, PA before Costa Rica where I haven't really lived since I was 17 (besides a few months after college before Los Angeles). It's hard to handle and I must admit that this is a weird place. I think I was rocked for many reasons. I lived in various parts of Philly for almost 4 years-Norther Liberties, South Philly, Center City. It was insane not to be there. Also, it was hard to no longer be with this boy I adored. At this point he was a senior in College so I imagine it was much easier for him. Yes, I might be a bit of a cougar. With a lot of time to think I only had yoga to help me accept what was happening.

Then, the inevitable happened. I moved to Costa Rica through Global TESOL Costa Rica which helped my friend and I get our TESOL certificates, but overall was a sketchy program. The person that actually ran the show moved back to the States with his Costa Rican wife even before our program (3 people including myself enrolled in the program) ended. At one point we were homeless and the other go-to person of the program suggested that we be less "picky" because we were two people wanting a two bedroom apartment, not a one bedroom. But, we did get jobs and we did find a home. I would have to admit it very different being a tourist versus living in CR. Please refer to my previous blog for more detailed information. Within 4 months, we returned home from CR though I reminded my friend who I traveled there with I am not sure what you are traveling back to and it will take some time to get a job. Reluctantly, I went home.

In CR I felt free, like it didn't matter what I did. Now, the vacation was over. I had a goal, pursued it and now it was over. Back to stressful America and time to seriously make something of myself. At this point I still believed that I wanted to go the non-profit route. So, I frantically applied to every job on idealist.org in any city that I thought I was qualified for. I went on one interview for Big Brothers Big Sisters in Boston for very low pay for that area. I thought I had done well on the interview and thought I had the job. Gratefully, I didn't get it.

Frustrated and confused, I thought I would just do what I like doing and see where it takes me. I started volunteering for United Way, Everhart Museum, Big Brothers Big Sisters and Make-A-Wish Foundation. For the Everhart Museum, I work with a kindergarten open-ended art initiative at Francis Willard School which I love. I am also currently in process of becoming a Big Sister. Even if no job comes from these activities its good to get more experience and gain references for the future.

I tossed several idea around in my head about what direction to take next. The more I thought about it the more spontaneous and ludicrous my ideas became. Finally, with a little push from a psychic intervention a light that had always been inside me pushed its way through. I had thought and been told for several years now that I should be a teacher. I didn't pursue it because I was always somewhere else. Now, I am seriously applying to masters programs for elementary education and I am more excited than ever to get back to school. 

One year ago, I was excited for Costa Rica, but I was too lost for my own good. Presently, I think of the Tao Te Ching proverb "You must loose yourself in order to find yourself". This sounds like an extremity, but I think it to be true. Had all these events not happened to me which at that moment I thought were negative, I would have never reached here. Though you may think I am not anywhere. The progress I reached in order to make this discovery is profound. And to me it was everything. For through the loss of my love, job, education, life I found who I am and who I want to be. No longer do I feel like I need to reach a summit by a certain point. I am thankful for every instance to run its course to lead me here today. It is where I needed to be. I am glad that I do not have to have a 9-5 or stare at a computer all day. I get a chance to reinvent my destiny.

According to Chinese astrology 2012 is the year to pursue your dreams. It is time to discover your true self and potential. After the years I've had this couldn't come at a better time. Tonight at my yoga practice, my dear friend and fellow yogi and teacher said to me "When the student is ready the teacher will come". I couldn't agree more, my friend. Happy Year of the Water Dragon!

todas las piezas de mi corazón

I consider myself very "blessed" for many reasons which you may not understand. One of the most profound ways in which I am privileged was not something in my control. Whoever decides the road we take and who becomes a pit stop along the way has truly favored me with amazing people to grace my life. Of course I am referring to friends and family, but more significantly I am referring to former loves.

There have been two people in my life who have truly touched my heart whom will not be named. What they have done to me and for me will never be able to be explained in words, for its a feeling they have given me which was so strong I carry it with me today. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to connect with such amazing people that it helps me to keep faith in the astonishment of everything happening in the world and helps me to make more sense of everything.

My loves have pieces of my heart that are forever named theirs- no mater who or what happens next. I can never make you comprehend everything you have done for me and maybe that is part of the magic of your former presence in my life. Just know, that I am definitely a far better person now because I have known you. You have taught me so much about life, you, and myself. I can never repay you, but hope my gratitude and realization of this is enough.

I hope I let you know this when I was with you. I wish I have touched your life even just a fraction of what you have done for me. You are truly great people and many times I feel like I did not deserve you, but I am glad someone thought I did if only for a short while.

Of course it has also been decided that our love would end. And at times this makes me melancholy, but then I look at how I have reached such happiness and I recall the cliche saying "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." It's bittersweet, but you came into my life at just the right time when I needed you the most.

I just want to say thank you and hope you will always remain in my life in some form. I will never cease in caring for you and hope this feeling is mutual. This is what I believe the greatest feeling in the world which helps me look forward to the future and heals my heart from the pains of the past which I am learning to let go of.

You are simply awesome. I hope you never doubt your greatness and I trust that you will spread your light into the world, the same way you have allowed your contagious brilliance shown to me in which I attempt to pass on.

I love you. Though the kind of love that I have for you may have changed, I will forever love you.

I also hope that I will be so lucky to have people half as wonderful as you grace my life again. If not, please know that the love you have showed me will sustain me for the rest of this life.

Un Cambio en la Conciencia

In case you don't know by now, I am a very spiritual person probably more than most. I can see how that fits me because as a child I was raised Roman Catholic and more religious than most of my peers. Wanting to be an altar girl and master the bible, I naively believed how I was raised was true until I became an adult and started thinking for myself (and an instance where I treated some gay friends badly).

For the most part I am not regretful of being so religious because I think we essentially all believe in the same things we just have different names for them- God, Buddha, Allah, Mohammed, etc. The downfall is that we segregate each other by branding ourselves as such. I am not telling you that I am right and what you believe in is wrong. Clearly, these are my humble opinions which are often criticized as seen fit.

 As spirituality rules my life I feel the need to explain myself further. But what is spirituality? Wikipedia defines it as "an ultimate or an alleged immaterial reality;^[1] an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of his/her being; or the “deepest values and meanings by which people live.”^[2] Spiritual practices, including meditation, prayer and contemplation, are intended to develop an individual's inner life; spiritual experience includes that of connectedness with a larger reality, yielding a more comprehensive self; with other individuals or the human community; with nature or the cosmos; or with the divine realm.^[3] Spirituality is often experienced as a source of inspiration or orientation in life.^[4] It can encompass belief in immaterial realities or experiences of the immanent or transcendent nature of the world."

With that being said I believe we are one. We being all peoples, animals, plants, life, earth, everything. It's a hard and amazing concept which I must convince myself of its truth everyday. This is truly important because as human beings we are forgetting an important common denominator- that we are all the same. We are all beings that have the same basic needs that share this planet with animals and nature. We will not be here forever. But, everything we do has repercussions. How we treat each other has a domino effect on everyone we come in contact with besides the more obvious fact that most of us will procreate and instill our values into future generations. And if you can believe it, we keep returning to the planet (reincarnation). 

But, things are rapidly changing. Especially in the United States most people will do anything for the all-mighty dollar which if you consider is ludicrous. Most money is not even real- its an electronic intangible thing that most of us will never touch. But, we are willing to ruin lives for it (sweat shops, Bernie Madoff, working so much that we don't see our family). We have to remember that money though necessary unfortunately has nothing to do with our happiness. It is up to us to control our happiness and spread our light into the world. 

As you may have heard the world is supposed to end in 2012 according to the Mayan calendar. I am sure most people do not believe this, though there are some pretty gullible people out there. Does anyone recall the Rapture initiative that was supposed to happen a few years back? From my time in Costa Rica I had the privilege to  meet with many spiritual yogi-like people. I watched many you tube videos about consciousness and had a lot of enlightening conversations. Apparently, the end of the world 2012 is not a physical end, but a shift in consciousness which this planet desperately needs if it is going to survive before we destroy it. 

Although admittedly, we can only speculate for now, 2012 is about an evolution of consciousness, an awakening from the slumber of limited awareness and understanding. Additionally, it also is the entrance into a grand new opportunity to experience an expanded existence as an immortal soul. 2012 is about a return to our natural state, and also, about a new beginning- a new chapter in the evolution of mankind as beings, both physical and spiritual, that have inhabited the Earth.

I know this may sound a bit cray cray and at times I myself am skeptical too. You may agree with me as say, of course, the world has been indicating it's collapse for quite some time now with the demise of churches, natural disasters, economic downturns, etc. I agree, but I also disagree with that because we have only been keeping records for so long. However, I do believe that things need to change and people are beginning to recognize this with environmental movements and being globally connected in positive ways. Ultimately, I do not know the future or truth, but it is worth contemplating.

To me, it seems that peace is such a simple concept. If we always remember that everything we do directly affects everyone else and in turn affects you, doing good is easy. For example, you may want to steal $10 from your mom and think she will never know. And maybe she will not notice. By stealing you have only ruined your character and put guilt upon yourself, making yourself feel less credible or like a bad person. It is what you have to live with. So, although you gained monetary funds you have devalued who you are as a person and ended up hurting yourself. And if your mother does find out she may be hurt. Think about everything she has done for you and if that is really worth it, besides how you are already criminalizing yourself. 

My late resolution this year besides attempting to control the faces I make during yoga is to treat myself better. By this I don't mean pampering myself or taking myself on a vacation. I want to discipline myself to appreciate who I am, by taking better care of myself I will be able to be a better person to other people. Positive energy is infectious in the most blissful of ways. 

Remember when things were not complicated?

Unrecognizably and what seemed like in a matter of months, I went from 22 to 27 and in many ways I don't feel any different. Yes, I must admit I am beginning to age, but I will not mention how. I am as unstable now as I was 5 years ago with the loss of my job and yearning for a new direction to be taken. All of which I consider great blessings in disguise. I quit the corporate world for what I thought would be a short time, but now I am thinking it may be for the rest of this incarnation.

My root chakras are damaged- I have no job and live with my parents. Since I do not work, I find volunteering fills the void of not having a job, but on a much greater level. My volunteer work does make me happy. In fact, I have found out that I love working with children which as miniscule as it seems is great progress to me.In addition to moral fulfillment, I usually work half the time I would at a normal 9-5 which I think is more healthy allowing me to use my leisure time as I see fit- usually taking it all in at a coffee shop reading, writing, or reflecting.

OK, fine I am being too greedy. I have a place to live that always has food, virtually no expenses and plenty of time. All of this a blessing and curse. By living with my parents I get less responsibility they may do my laundry and buy my food, but I like being independent! I can think of countries in the Middle East in which women are not allowed to have education let alone step out of the home without being escorted by a man. In most aspects, I am a lucky girl.

I devote about three days a week to volunteer work with various children oriented organizations. Through this I have rediscovered a consideration I have abandoned for a long time now against the better discretion of some colleagues and family members- that I should be teacher. So, my plan of action is to become a certified teacher. Of course I feel a sense of self loathing for not continuing on my undergraduate education in business and corporate greed, but who actually works in the field they studied in undergrad? In the great spontaneous words of my mother, "No education is ever wasted". She nor my father never went to college and I am being selfish enough to feel like it's my right to pursue a masters during this economic downturn. But, I will go back I feel it in my heart.

To to kill the boredom when I am not being down on myself for not having a job or trying to convince myself that the universe pushed me to where I am now for the grander scheme of things I have found pleasure in going out to bars with a new group of girlfriends. I would consider these girlfriends a bit on the boy crazy side and at times insane- like I think most girls are. I am the youngest girl of the group, but my friends are not much older at least in the ways we act (sarcasm). We dress up on weekends, I wear more makeup than usual and cute outfits to accompany my painted face. The usual purpose of our weekend adventures is to find boy that may turn into a potential relationship, but hell, I would even take friend. At bars we typically talk about love, sex and relationships which I think most women would affirm as normal and typically has the bar tenders interested.

Suddenly, I don't know who I am. I have NEVER been this person in my life! If you told me a few years ago that I would be back in my hometown seriously considering staying for more than a year and looking for a potential mate I would have never believed you. In fact I might have gawked at how poorly you know me. When I returned from Costa Rica, I began scoping the bars with the same hungry eyes as my friends, leaving my phone number for waiters and consequently becoming a bit proud that I had the "balls" to do such things. I have been successful in my feats- insofar as I get results which lead to me "talking" to some new guys which does not come without repercussions. Ever guy I met I find something attractive about, but they always turn out the same. By no means am I looking for a marriage, a  healthy relationship would be just fine. And yes, that is too much to ask.

But, now, I am questioning myself why is it suddenly so important for me to have a guy interested in me? I think I can attempt at answering my own questions. I did have a great last relationship with a boy four years younger than myself. And surprisingly, it was pretty awesome so I was left with optimism for future relationships. It's proven that when you are with someone you tend to feel more confident about yourself. Lastly, there a certain co-dependency on relationships. I have always considered myself very independent by moving across the country alone, studying abroad in Australia without knowing a soul, etc. I can move and do things independently and I like doing it. 

The world wouldn't exist if it weren't for other people helping each other. No one can be totally independent of anyone. As a realist and a yogi, I am torn. I want to be completely independent of needing anyone, but I know we need each other.

When you are damaged goods from what seems like an infinite realm of ludicrous situations, its hard not to hold that stigma against everyone.I am unclear if I want to date anymore. I have had such sour experiences I will definitely hold it against the male population of Scranton. But, my friends are now growing up- getting married, procreating like rabbits and some tell me it's time to do the same. I know this is NOT my path. I would like to love someone, but it will never be a forced love because I am bored. And I am not in the slightest ready for any children, working with them satisfies this maternal need.

I can't help but think of when you were a child- when all things physical did not matter. Children do not judge, they haven't developed that ridiculous characteristic yet. And they don't date. And they are the happiest people on the planet. Sometimes, I think we need to reconnect to our childlike ways and be happy with ourselves for no reason and become ever so excited about the simplest of things.