SNAP! I finally broke. I think it's because I never "mourned" the loss of my life last year. I consider myself a very strong person who is many times too stubborn for my own good. I pride myself on dealing with things alone. In my yoga classroom what comes to mind is "You have to feel it to heal it" and "The only way out is through". This is relevant because I never went "through" it. I always knew those feeling were there, but more often than not I decided to put on a happy face and be strong for everyone besides myself.
I have always had to deal with some heavy issues since childhood. For my own privacy and little dignity I have left I will not discuss what in particular I have gone through (especially on a public blog), but let's just remind ourselves "Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes". Life is unfair and I think everyone gets their own heavy burden of things to endure. What separates us is how we each choose to deal with it and move on in our own individual lives.
Yes, of course, I think too often about the past. But, I never felt my pain. I perhaps shed a few tears, however, I never got really upset or hysterical about my complete 360 change of life. I need to cry it out instead of get wasted to avoid feeling. It's hard because our society often times deems you better or stronger of a person by not showing your feelings, more specifically pain. But, if you don't feel and shed the pain you will never heal.
Fact- things will never go back to the way they were so you should just appreciate what you had. I believe that everything has its own reason for happening even if it's negative. The world is full of signs to help lead you to where you belong.
And let's be blatantly honest (since I seem to do this so well), I by not means have or have had a bad life. I am just going through major life changes for the third time this year. It's OK to feel overwhelmed, hurt, lost, upset, etc. I think these are very common emotions for people, especially people in their 20's.
After three moves this year, twice within this state and once outside of the country I finally experienced my "meltdown". To pinpoint the exact reason for it I don't know, but I can speculate. I can conclude it's because I lost someone I loved not on it's own accord, but due to outside circumstances. I cannot say whether it would have lasted anyway, but it makes it harder to accept that I didn't get to see that for myself. Also, a complete change in my career (or lack there of) is in process. This is good. But, it's also something hard to accept when many of my friends are on their career path for several years now. Lastly, being unemployed takes a huge emotional toll from a person. Why, yes, it's nice not to have to work everyday, but, there are only so many free days you can have before it becomes insanely boring and feel less and less like a productive member of society. When people ask "What do you do?" a fairly common first question to ask a person, I respond with "I volunteer and practice yoga". That is truly what I do. And it's not enough to keep me satisfied, but I am grateful for these activities.
Unbeknown to me,I think the lack of me dealing with these emotions had finally caught up with me and I "lost it". I am too embarrassed to let it be known what actually happened, but let's just conclude that with the help of vodka and having reached the tipping point I let them out. How I did it was probably the worst way someone could let these toxic feelings out, I in turn tried to drag my friends into this hurtful place with me.
It's discomforting knowing what I had done. I cannot take anything back and I feel more sorrow than I even knew I had. I'm lucky to have amazing friends who even at my worst understand the reasoning behind my irrational behavior and have forgiven me and are ready to move on.
In addition, I learned something. I learned that I am more damaged than perhaps I knew. But, I also learned that the feelings you have must be felt or else it will lead into much more of a pernicious situation than you were first dealing with.
I hope you embrace the hurt you have and make it into joy!
I have always had to deal with some heavy issues since childhood. For my own privacy and little dignity I have left I will not discuss what in particular I have gone through (especially on a public blog), but let's just remind ourselves "Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes". Life is unfair and I think everyone gets their own heavy burden of things to endure. What separates us is how we each choose to deal with it and move on in our own individual lives.
Yes, of course, I think too often about the past. But, I never felt my pain. I perhaps shed a few tears, however, I never got really upset or hysterical about my complete 360 change of life. I need to cry it out instead of get wasted to avoid feeling. It's hard because our society often times deems you better or stronger of a person by not showing your feelings, more specifically pain. But, if you don't feel and shed the pain you will never heal.
Fact- things will never go back to the way they were so you should just appreciate what you had. I believe that everything has its own reason for happening even if it's negative. The world is full of signs to help lead you to where you belong.
And let's be blatantly honest (since I seem to do this so well), I by not means have or have had a bad life. I am just going through major life changes for the third time this year. It's OK to feel overwhelmed, hurt, lost, upset, etc. I think these are very common emotions for people, especially people in their 20's.
After three moves this year, twice within this state and once outside of the country I finally experienced my "meltdown". To pinpoint the exact reason for it I don't know, but I can speculate. I can conclude it's because I lost someone I loved not on it's own accord, but due to outside circumstances. I cannot say whether it would have lasted anyway, but it makes it harder to accept that I didn't get to see that for myself. Also, a complete change in my career (or lack there of) is in process. This is good. But, it's also something hard to accept when many of my friends are on their career path for several years now. Lastly, being unemployed takes a huge emotional toll from a person. Why, yes, it's nice not to have to work everyday, but, there are only so many free days you can have before it becomes insanely boring and feel less and less like a productive member of society. When people ask "What do you do?" a fairly common first question to ask a person, I respond with "I volunteer and practice yoga". That is truly what I do. And it's not enough to keep me satisfied, but I am grateful for these activities.
Unbeknown to me,I think the lack of me dealing with these emotions had finally caught up with me and I "lost it". I am too embarrassed to let it be known what actually happened, but let's just conclude that with the help of vodka and having reached the tipping point I let them out. How I did it was probably the worst way someone could let these toxic feelings out, I in turn tried to drag my friends into this hurtful place with me.
It's discomforting knowing what I had done. I cannot take anything back and I feel more sorrow than I even knew I had. I'm lucky to have amazing friends who even at my worst understand the reasoning behind my irrational behavior and have forgiven me and are ready to move on.
In addition, I learned something. I learned that I am more damaged than perhaps I knew. But, I also learned that the feelings you have must be felt or else it will lead into much more of a pernicious situation than you were first dealing with.
I hope you embrace the hurt you have and make it into joy!
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