Unrecognizably and what seemed like in a matter of months, I went from 22 to 27 and in many ways I don't feel any different. Yes, I must admit I am beginning to age, but I will not mention how. I am as unstable now as I was 5 years ago with the loss of my job and yearning for a new direction to be taken. All of which I consider great blessings in disguise. I quit the corporate world for what I thought would be a short time, but now I am thinking it may be for the rest of this incarnation.
OK, fine I am being too greedy. I have a place to live that always has food, virtually no expenses and plenty of time. All of this a blessing and curse. By living with my parents I get less responsibility they may do my laundry and buy my food, but I like being independent! I can think of countries in the Middle East in which women are not allowed to have education let alone step out of the home without being escorted by a man. In most aspects, I am a lucky girl.
I devote about three days a week to volunteer work with various children oriented organizations. Through this I have rediscovered a consideration I have abandoned for a long time now against the better discretion of some colleagues and family members- that I should be teacher. So, my plan of action is to become a certified teacher. Of course I feel a sense of self loathing for not continuing on my undergraduate education in business and corporate greed, but who actually works in the field they studied in undergrad? In the great spontaneous words of my mother, "No education is ever wasted". She nor my father never went to college and I am being selfish enough to feel like it's my right to pursue a masters during this economic downturn. But, I will go back I feel it in my heart.
To to kill the boredom when I am not being down on myself for not having a job or trying to convince myself that the universe pushed me to where I am now for the grander scheme of things I have found pleasure in going out to bars with a new group of girlfriends. I would consider these girlfriends a bit on the boy crazy side and at times insane- like I think most girls are. I am the youngest girl of the group, but my friends are not much older at least in the ways we act (sarcasm). We dress up on weekends, I wear more makeup than usual and cute outfits to accompany my painted face. The usual purpose of our weekend adventures is to find boy that may turn into a potential relationship, but hell, I would even take friend. At bars we typically talk about love, sex and relationships which I think most women would affirm as normal and typically has the bar tenders interested.
Suddenly, I don't know who I am. I have NEVER been this person in my life! If you told me a few years ago that I would be back in my hometown seriously considering staying for more than a year and looking for a potential mate I would have never believed you. In fact I might have gawked at how poorly you know me. When I returned from Costa Rica, I began scoping the bars with the same hungry eyes as my friends, leaving my phone number for waiters and consequently becoming a bit proud that I had the "balls" to do such things. I have been successful in my feats- insofar as I get results which lead to me "talking" to some new guys which does not come without repercussions. Ever guy I met I find something attractive about, but they always turn out the same. By no means am I looking for a marriage, a healthy relationship would be just fine. And yes, that is too much to ask.
But, now, I am questioning myself why is it suddenly so important for me to have a guy interested in me? I think I can attempt at answering my own questions. I did have a great last relationship with a boy four years younger than myself. And surprisingly, it was pretty awesome so I was left with optimism for future relationships. It's proven that when you are with someone you tend to feel more confident about yourself. Lastly, there a certain co-dependency on relationships. I have always considered myself very independent by moving across the country alone, studying abroad in Australia without knowing a soul, etc. I can move and do things independently and I like doing it.
The world wouldn't exist if it weren't for other people helping each other. No one can be totally independent of anyone. As a realist and a yogi, I am torn. I want to be completely independent of needing anyone, but I know we need each other.
When you are damaged goods from what seems like an infinite realm of ludicrous situations, its hard not to hold that stigma against everyone.I am unclear if I want to date anymore. I have had such sour experiences I will definitely hold it against the male population of Scranton. But, my friends are now growing up- getting married, procreating like rabbits and some tell me it's time to do the same. I know this is NOT my path. I would like to love someone, but it will never be a forced love because I am bored. And I am not in the slightest ready for any children, working with them satisfies this maternal need.
I can't help but think of when you were a child- when all things physical did not matter. Children do not judge, they haven't developed that ridiculous characteristic yet. And they don't date. And they are the happiest people on the planet. Sometimes, I think we need to reconnect to our childlike ways and be happy with ourselves for no reason and become ever so excited about the simplest of things.
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