Why?

As Westerners we believe our individual life has meaning. That we are each here for a specific purpose. We spend most of our lives looking for that purpose. We turn towards making money, devoting most of our lives to a career (satisfying or not), having babies, taking care of family, etc.

But, the truth is that we don't get too long as this earth. So, what's all this effort for? Different strokes for different folks. Some may decide that cash is king as spend all their time serving the man for that cheddar. Others decide that their life has meaning by raising a family due to unexpected circumstances or careful plans. Most people spend their entire lives looking for the reason they are here.

So, we wait. We wait to grow up. We wait to become finally responsible. We wait for weekends. We wait for vacations. We wait to find "the one". We wait to start a family. We wait to live. We wait to die. And in-between all of this we experience our life.

Life is comprised of both good and bad. And like the Gita says, how do we know one without the other. We need both. As an American, I like to thing each experience has significant meaning. "Whatever is meant to be will be". But, what if it's not in fact that way? As a yogi I tend to think the universe gives you what you need, not what you want. Instead of attaching such a value that you needed that, etc., just allowing it to happen and to let it go. Allowing your life experience to unfold, rather than working so hard to make each experience have so much significance in your life.

Fresh out of pretty toxic relationship, I find myself free, yet boggled by next move. Everything was pretty clear before- I make this work, I get married, I have children. Not entirely ludicrous since I am almost 30 and this seems to be the train most of my other friends are on. Although I was never ready for any of this immediately, I accepted this could quite possibly be my next step. I have been luckier than most people in the respect that I have a strong sense of self. I know who I am, what I like, and what I dislike. Stubbornly, I make little exceptions- except in relationships. My partner of almost a year has disrespected me in a plethora of inexcusable ways. But, I excused them. Simply because I know below the fuck ups is someone who is damaged and needs help. And I do believe my presence in his life has opened his eyes- a bit. My purpose in this life is to help people. It's what I indirectly do as a yoga teacher and directly do as a friend, co-worker, and lover. I believed that he would change if I gave enough love. And sometimes enough will never be enough. There needs to be a time when we can recognize that there is nothing we can do and it is up to there. Let go of the self blame that you didn't do enough. Let go of the future you made up in your head- the house, the kids, the life. Let go of the ego (and societal stress) that your job as a yoga teacher isn't real since you don't get large sums of money, a 401k, and can't yet move out of your parents.

What I do know is that I love myself. And I love what I do. I wouldn't trade it in for anything. And I know first-hand that most people do not live like this though financially sound, married, and with babies. Don't get me wrong- I do want children. And if  I ever found the right person I would get married though I think it basically just a title and in place for legality purposes.

From every end comes a new beginning. I don't know where I am going. But, I know where I have been and I am forever grateful for every person and experience I have come in contact with. I can't question why it happened. It already did. No matter good or bad, I hope I have grown from it or them. The only thing that disappoints us are our expectations and once we let go of that, everything seems a bit easier.  Find your purpose in life and give it away. Don't let the other layers hold you down.

Y cuando menos te lo esperas ...

Sometimes I feel very Clarissa Explains it All in these things, but here it goes. Everything has been going fine, even well, in fact. For the first time in my life, oddly enough, I like my jobs. I don't mind going to work. And I am pretty much somewhere every single day. I also pretty much don't have a social life anymore with being somewhere in the perpetual morning. But, I like it better this way. Through this routine I get to discover what I like and who I am becoming.It also keeps me "good" I should add. But, my infinite spiritual connectedness lesson is not the point this time.

A summer progressed I have been doing something all waking hours making my eight hours of sleep detrimental. I say this because I have been working about 45-50 hours a week. It slowed when I didn't enroll for the rest of summer classes (Summer II, appropriately named). Enrollment for fall came. I researched classes, chose the ones I wanted (missing two that I needed to make a perfect full-time schedule) and began the mental commitment to this next chapter that I chose- student loans and a 3 years here.

My doubts arose more than before and from those fears came strength to let go. I got rid of the idea of what people expect me to be.I feel like with full time Masters on my plate I seem more respectable. I can go to school for anything and enjoy it because I like constant learning. And anyone who knows me knows that I love children. As quickly as the dedication to becoming an elementary teacher came so did my doubts. I just cannot commit to 3 more years in Scranton for a program that I am not fully invested in. I am being pulled somewhere else. Instead of financial stability, I need to co-mingle with folks who live in cities, believe in gay marriage, bicycle for their health and the earth, share books, play outside, are liberal/open, etc. I must live by myself and take care of myself in my dog. And it cannot be in the far away future. I want to live in a city and struggle to bring my groceries home on my bike, bring my clothes to a laundromat , pay too much for a beer or meal because they can charge you that. I want to met people by coincidence simply by walking through the city.

No matter how much time it takes you to get where you are going it is never wasted. I believe it is exactly what you need at that moment in your life. As I get older it seems to me that everything is builds off your circumstantial experiences. Had I not lost my job, moved to Costa Rica and moved home I would never be working as a yoga teacher and for an amazing non-profit. What I am more surprised about is being a yoga teacher.

I have always known that I will be doing yoga the rest of my life. I never expected to be a yoga teacher. But, I honestly love it and would like to make this part of my life forever, too. There is something amazing about connecting and feeling the energy of a class in addition to exuding your energy to motivate a class. And this is just the beginning. I hope I can spiritually be a help to the students, too. In many ways this means more to me than any "job" I have had in my life. And it all happened when I least expected it.

So, with everything in the past year- questions about where I should go and what I should do, these aren't yet answered and maybe never will be. Life is always changing. When you are s child it seems it takes forever to grow up. And once you graduate high school years fly by like weeks. Nothing is ever typical whether you decide to get married and have a family or decide you must know the rest of the world before you leave it this time. I will never stop growing and learning, but I will never stop being who I am.

No more expectations. I don't know where I am exactly going, but isn't that the beauty?

déjame en paz

 It's official. I am now a yoga teacher. If you asked me three years ago when I began this practice if I would ever become a teacher, I would have probably looked at you crazy. I must admit it is as challenging as it is addictive. And I have trained intensely to become this. I can also admit that you cannot be a teacher of this practice until you are a devoted student. So, in honesty, I have been training to become a teacher for the last three years.

The training itself has been rigorous. I have bought Bikram audio, read books and studied more for this than I did for many undergraduate courses. During the almost two months training my life had been completely consumed by Bikram yoga. In many ways I ate, slept, and lived yoga. This was good. It prepared me to teach today.

Though I am only a few classes deep in my start as a teacher, I feel like I have the confidence and preparation to do my best to motivate my students in their practice. I know I will only improve in time. And I am already aware of some things I can improve on. Before class starts I usually get filled with an adrenaline rush that makes me nervous. My hands get clammy and I take deep breaths. Once the pranayama breathing is over, I tend to get more comfortable with the class and can be a bit loud. My claps and voice soar as my enthusiasm to keep the class encouraged kicks in. I also have a problem with lefts and rights. But, I am told that this is a common mistake that will get better with more practice. In addition, I may hold some postures for longer or shorter than they should be held. I feel like all these are humble mistakes that will come with patience, just like our practice. You don’t automatically start practicing yoga and are able to do full extent of the postures. They take time. It takes discipline and mental determination to allow your body to open up and one day surprise yourself. This is how I also look at my teaching. I know the dialogue, benefits, timing, etc. but, it will be a bit (20 classes I’m told) before we can really improve our teaching. Each class is a learning experience. This is also why it is so important for me to practice as much as possible, too.

Friday evening I taught my 3^rd class, but this class was more significant than just another class under my belt helping me to get more comfortable with my teaching. It was valuable to me because my guru would be taking it. For about a year now I have looked up to one of the yoga teachers and now friend. She is someone who is just, open, intelligent, compassionate, etc. In short I really admire her. Her importance is more than the fact that she is amazing because she is the one who encouraged and recommended me to become a teacher. Her presence in the class intimidates me more than my teacher of the training. But, I was grateful for her attendance in the class. It serves as something symbolic to me because of how much I look up to her and have learned from her and now she was the student in my class.

I made my anticipated mistakes and choked on some words, among other things. Afterwards, she gave me her honest feedback which was so good to hear. All my mistakes are fixable and will hopefully be mended in time. One thing she said stuck in my mind. She said that I was a "natural". I couldn't contain my smile.

The circle of life had completed itself in my mind. From teacher to student to student turned teacher. I cannot correctly put into words how magical of a journey this has been. Spiritually, I have progressed ions, emotionally and physically too. It’s just amazing the power of having someone believe in you which turn into confidence in yourself.

I remember before all the training and teaching started. I had thanked her for introducing me to this wonderful world. She responded to me with “In due time, you will do the very same for a special person who you sincerely BELIEVE in…”.

This is why I love yoga so much. We are all on a spiritual journey.  We help each other which helps our own journey.

The more I attend class and teach the more love I feel whether it’s improving my own practice or helping other’s improve their practice. We all have something to learn from one another in this never ending journey that is yoga. I am so grateful!

I hope that I can touch someone else the way this practice has done for me.

que es lo que piensa

Recently a lot of people have been asking me what I am doing with my life. I immediately tell them I am going back to school for a teacher certification, but in the present I am in pursuit of being a yoga teacher, teach preschool classes, watch kids and volunteer. The truth. Most people are more satisfied by a more socially accepted answer of reaching a material goal like a degree, ore probably more important, a status-sounding job. Usually, I accentuate the teacher certification to let people know I am still serious and motivated.

But, I feel like I am! I am so proud of and excited to become a yoga teacher. Maybe it's good for you to understand how I "got into" hot yoga. I recently recall two women in the bathroom post class discussing this exact question. But, it's truly interesting and I find myself and others like me genuinely interested. So, yeah, I "fell into" this kind of yoga in 2008. I tried some different yoga classes in the city, but nothing got me truly engaged. I remember wanting to feel like I'd already loved yoga, but I didn't. I discovered what a former love of mine and countless others already knew in the city- Bikram. I'd given it a try and have been truly dedicated since. I like the forever challenge.

Though while living in the city, working full-time, MBA pursuit, and my dog I could never get a chance to practice to the extent of how I have been in the last year (about 3 to 5 times a week). I feel stronger and a bit muscle-y, but one of my most favorite things about the practice are the spiritual/meditative experience I get through it. More recently, I have had more astounding spiritual discoveries, but it just feels necessary to have. I think my practice had improved much in the past couple months, though I know I have endless mountains of improvement.

This just seems right. And just how so many things work out- everything just magically arrived at the right place at the right time. Through the grapevine, it extended itself to me. At first I thought, I couldn't. I thought my practice wasn't good enough, etc. But then I thought "How could I NOT"!.

I think sometimes people don't understand what it is like to have this dedication. It's so much fun and I do it because I love it, but there are times when it is a challenge because it's also discipline, courage, much patience. It's takes ridiculous amounts of physical and emotional strength- it's quite a journey. Since beginning this training I pretty much live yoga. I read up on the Bhavagad Git and Mahabharata. I had slept with cds on repeat, picking up Bikram's worst and most silly banter. I decided that the tapes didn't work best for me. I've been memorizing for hours a day which helps me to get the dialogue down. But, it's just a stepping stone from there- making sure you're timing things OK and not sounding exactly like a robot. But, I find it ironic and just like yoga itself- making breakthroughs in time.

Currently, I would say we're more then half-way through. Teaching is following soon after. I am very excited to begin teaching. I'm more enthralled to start teaching comfortably and adding more of myself. I am nervous, too. But, I am considering what a great learning experience it is for me. It allowed me to take my practice to a much better place while keeping me honest with myself and perhaps will encourage others- what a true gift. I am so lucky to be here now. And everything just worked out so well- everything!

On one more positive upswing- I got accepted to graduate school for a Masters of Arts in Teaching. It's a really good program so I am definitely more elated to get a better education to be more prepared than just perhaps a teaching certification would provide. Also, I have the time now to commit to it, so why not? It will only further myself in the future. In addition, I'm scared to commit to Scranton for another couple of years. There's a definite list of pros and cons, but I think again the positives  largely outweigh the negatives.

I guess what happens is never really what you expected, but what fun would that be. I certainly am not at my goal destination,  but isn't that the point of this journey? I am learning to be patient and content with my life while looking forward to the future. I think I'm finally beginning to get it.

This brings me to a piece of wisdom from my friend (and of course someone more widely known), "When the student is ready the teacher will come. Well, literally in all senses this calls true to me. Everything is just happening in an already mapped out predestined sequence of events. I accept, humbly.

I am ready for my next chapter. 

En la reencarnación

Being a Westerner and raised Catholic, it's kind of taboo that I believe in reincarnation. I must also admit this is a sudden belief that I've come to. How I've come to it might be equally as interesting.

Reincarnation best describes the concept where the soul or spirit, after the death of the body, is believed to return to live in a new human body, or, in some traditions, either as a human being, animal or plant.

In Costa Rica I met some interesting yogis. Our discussions dealt more with consciousness than what happens when our soul leaves this body. Simultaneously, I was introduced to "Morgan Freeman's Through the Wormhole". I happened to see an episode (on my laptop since we didn't have TV) on what happens to our consciousness when we die. Rather than presenting an ultimate truth, this TV show merely presented a varying array of conflicting experts ideas. One person, whom agreed with my best friend said that consciousness simply ends when the body shuts down. Others believed that that consciousness is transferred or reincarnated.

As I previously stated, I was raised Roman Catholic so it was very hard for me to give up the thought that I have only one life and that all my efforts or karma from this life will reflect into the afterlife, which I desperately wanted to be heaven. Now, back in the states I have seriously gotten into yoga. But, not just the physical side, but the physical meditative side as well.

A few months ago I met with a physic/medium. I was very excited to met with her- I wanted to know who I would become, if I would get married, have kids, etc., you know, the normal things you expect to hear from a psychic reading. After placing her hands over my body and chakras, she told me some interesting things. She mentioned two of my past lives- one in which I was blind and the other in which I was an acrobat in a King's court.

I took these findings (to me since I do not recall my past lives) lightly. But, this reading inspired me to get more serious about my spiritual knowledge. At the advice of one of my gurus and friend, I read the Bhagavad Gita and Mahabarata. These readings have influenced me on my current reading of Ram Dass's "Paths to God". Interestingly (and maybe not so surprisingly), he mentions that most of the East believes in reincarnation. Also that during the era in which Jesus would have lived the world did believe in reincarnation. It wasn't until 500 or 600 A.D. that reincarnation was debated by the Church and of course it was dismissed. The Church maintains more control if they can threaten you will heaven or hell. That's pretty frightening, but when you look some of the things the Christian Church has done it's not at all shocking or as gruesome as some of the other grotesque things it has done.

Of course, I do not know the ultimate truth. It can be determined I like researching such spiritual topics. I am finding understanding in this concept. Some things cannot be explained. And of course, we don't have many people walking around the earth telling about how things we bad in their past lives. But, it makes sense. Some people innately are good at things or know what they want to do- their dharma. I wish I had it a little easier like these people. But, I do know that we are all sent here for a purpose to fulfill. And chances are, you will be back. That's why I think it's dire to care about this earth we share and the people we share the earth with because when it comes down to it we really are (distant) brothers and sisters. Who knows what side of the earth you were on before or where you will go to next or if you will even return to this planet?

Also, I think back to what the psychic/medium had told me about being blind in a past life. I remember when she first told me about this. A few hours later, I sat alone feeling sorry for myself and cried. How sad that I had lived in this beautiful world and not been able to see anything. Perhaps I was being punished for being a bad person in a life preceding that? Or maybe it was a good thing. From what I am learning taking away the senses like sight can bring us closer to meditation and feeling oneness. I'll probably never know in this incarnation. But, that's probably a good thing too.

According to Buddhist (and some other Eastern) beliefs your karma perpetually affects you and you can go up and down the ladder of hell or into the Enlightened state of the Buddha (or Brahman) for future lives. However, when I consider this I think of the peace of meditation. Perhaps, that blissful state is the peace we are all seeking. True happiness is contentment regardless of attachment to physical things like money or emotional things like status. When you take away all your attachment who are you really? That is where you will find your peace.

One of my favorite quotes of Gita is "Never was there a time when I did not exist, nor you, nor all these kings; nor in the future shall any of us cease to be." (Verse 2.12)

De la granja a la mesa

I haven't had to "explain" myself more frequently than I have had to in my good ole hometown of Scranton, PA. Surprisingly (or maybe not), I would confide I've gotten "questioned" (criticized) more here than in Costa Rica. So, allow me to set the record straight and in writing so in the case I get frustrated with you I may just refer you here. This is by no means to change your eating habits, but I would like to open you up to my views.

I started questioning meat as child. I come from a highly carnivorous family red meats like filet mignon, being one of their most favorites. My parents had lived in Germany for some time before I was born so they took back to the United States some German traditions like veal covered in cheese and spaetzel which I still enjoy. I remember asking my mom at about 6 or 7 where veal had come from. And she told me the absolute truth- how it was so tender and what was done to reach that tenderness! From that moment I decided I wasn't going to eat veal anymore. Though in actuality, I probably stopped eating it completely a few years later.

I didn't question chicken or red meat until much later. This is most likely due in part to society. McDonald's, Wendy's, Kid Cuisine, Chick-Fil-A, etc. are/were all part of main stream America's eating pattern and until you eat differently you don't realize all the harm it's causing your body. I stopped eating red meat at some point in college and chicken my senior year of college. It was a gradual process- when I stopped eating veal I questioned red meat, when I stopped eating red meat I questioned and stopped eating chicken. Now, I am on the verge of ceasing to consume fish. For the same reasons as not eating meat anymore fish is starting to "creep me out".

Of course you may be able to conclude from my views that I have read the popular books from Michael Pollack, "In Defense of Food" and "The Omnivore's Dilemma". What I have gathered from these books doesn't necessarily agree with my view on vegetarianism. I would suggest if you are curious enough to ask me why I am a vegetarian, please read these books. In short, they suggest that the mass production of food (particularly the way Americans consume) is detrimental to both Americans and the animals which we consume- every 20/20 special and any research concludes this. These books also indicate that people must eat actual food- not powdered, instant, microwavable, canned, packaged, astronaut ice cream garbage. This also applies to vegetarians and vegans some tofurkey, tofu dogs, etc. (fake meats in many forms) have just as many silly illegible ingredients as jello. Sometimes I get "You don't know what you're missing" from a carnivore. I'd like to just say "Do you know what you're ingesting? If you only knew what you were getting". Thank the stars I'm missing animal carcasses, hormones, by-products, etc. from my diet!!

Again, think what you will. What works for me is being a vegetarian. I like to eat what I consider to be "real" food that has the least amount of animals products as possible. I like to be able to read the label and ingredients and understand what they are, firstly. I also think its important that the food is good for my body. Yes, I definitely eat unhealthy from time to time but not without "guilty conscious". Did you ever notice post-binge eating greasy or unhealthy foods you go into a "food coma" with stomach pain? That's the affect of unhealthy food on your body, which may or may not include meat.

Your eating habits are your lifestyle. They are very important to who you are whether you think so or not. I've been on the vegetarian train for a while now. And sometimes I think I should go vegan. From what I understand vegans do it more for animal rights than anything else which I get. As a spiritual person, I can go a little more extreme with this and think- OK, so if we can't eat any animal products why should we eat plants- they are still living things too!? I am vegetarian because I am OK with eating animal products like milk, but I am not cool with eating their bodies. I am sure if I found out more information about how these mass produced products got to my fridge I would reconsider. But, right now I do not know. I have a half-gallon of vanilla bean ice cream I am looking forward to eating.

Again, these are solely my thoughts which I may have needed to be expanded upon for quite some time now. I do not agree nor disagree with what you choose to consume. I believe these are all lifestyle choices and no one has the right to tell someone how they should live. I am simply expressing my view. I think that is integral to learning about yourself and the world. I'd like to add, I like who I am and am still able to eat out and normally! I hope you think about others, animals, the world and future generations. We need to remember that we are leaving this world one day and the future of the earth and all it's inhabitants- animals and people, depends on what we do now.

El dolor nos abrazamos se convierte en alegría

SNAP! I finally broke. I think it's because I never "mourned" the loss of my life last year. I consider myself a very strong person who is many times too stubborn for my own good. I pride myself on dealing with things alone. In my yoga classroom what comes to mind is "You have to feel it to heal it" and "The only way out is through". This is relevant because I never went "through" it. I always knew those feeling were there, but more often than not I decided to put on a happy face and be strong for everyone besides myself.

I have always had to deal with some heavy issues since childhood. For my own privacy and little dignity I have left I will not discuss what in particular I have gone through (especially on a public blog), but let's just remind ourselves "Don't judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes".  Life is unfair and I think everyone gets their own heavy burden of things to endure. What separates us is how we each choose to deal with it and move on in our own individual lives.

Yes, of course, I think too often about the past. But, I never felt my pain. I perhaps shed a few tears, however, I never got really upset or hysterical about my complete 360 change of life. I need to cry it out instead of get wasted to avoid feeling. It's hard because our society often times deems you better or stronger of a person by not showing your feelings, more specifically pain. But, if you don't feel and shed the pain you will never heal.

Fact- things will never go back to the way they were so you should just appreciate what you had. I believe that everything has its own reason for happening even if it's negative. The world is full of signs to help lead you to where you belong.

And let's be blatantly honest (since I seem to do this so well), I by not means have or have had a bad life. I am just going through major life changes for the third time this year. It's OK to feel overwhelmed, hurt, lost, upset, etc. I think these are very common emotions for people, especially people in their 20's.

After three moves this year, twice within this state and once outside of the country I finally experienced my "meltdown". To pinpoint the exact reason for it I don't know, but I can speculate. I can conclude it's because I lost someone I loved not on it's own accord, but due to outside circumstances. I cannot say whether it would have lasted anyway, but it makes it harder to accept that I didn't get to see that for myself. Also, a complete change in my career (or lack there of) is in process. This is good. But, it's also something hard to accept when many of my friends are on their career path for several years now. Lastly, being unemployed takes a huge emotional toll from a person. Why, yes, it's nice not to have to work everyday, but, there are only so many free days you can have before it becomes insanely boring and feel less and less like a productive member of society. When people ask "What do you do?" a fairly common first question to ask a person, I respond with "I volunteer and practice yoga". That is truly what I do. And it's not enough to keep me satisfied, but I am grateful for these activities.

Unbeknown to me,I think the lack of me dealing with these emotions had finally caught up with me and I "lost it". I am too embarrassed to let it be known what actually happened, but let's just conclude that with the help of vodka and having reached the tipping point I let them out. How I did it was probably the worst way someone could let these toxic feelings out, I in turn tried to drag my friends into this hurtful place with me.

It's discomforting knowing what I had done. I cannot take anything back and I feel more sorrow than I even knew I had. I'm lucky to have amazing friends who even at my worst understand the reasoning behind my irrational behavior and have forgiven me and are ready to move on.

In addition, I learned something. I learned that I am more damaged than perhaps I knew. But, I also learned that the feelings you have must be felt or else it will lead into much more of a pernicious situation than you were first dealing with.

I hope you embrace the hurt you have and make it into joy!