Sometimes I feel very Clarissa Explains it All in these things, but here it goes. Everything has been going fine, even well, in fact. For the first time in my life, oddly enough, I like my jobs. I don't mind going to work. And I am pretty much somewhere every single day. I also pretty much don't have a social life anymore with being somewhere in the perpetual morning. But, I like it better this way. Through this routine I get to discover what I like and who I am becoming.It also keeps me "good" I should add. But, my infinite spiritual connectedness lesson is not the point this time.
A summer progressed I have been doing something all waking hours making my eight hours of sleep detrimental. I say this because I have been working about 45-50 hours a week. It slowed when I didn't enroll for the rest of summer classes (Summer II, appropriately named). Enrollment for fall came. I researched classes, chose the ones I wanted (missing two that I needed to make a perfect full-time schedule) and began the mental commitment to this next chapter that I chose- student loans and a 3 years here.
My doubts arose more than before and from those fears came strength to let go. I got rid of the idea of what people expect me to be.I feel like with full time Masters on my plate I seem more respectable. I can go to school for anything and enjoy it because I like constant learning. And anyone who knows me knows that I love children. As quickly as the dedication to becoming an elementary teacher came so did my doubts. I just cannot commit to 3 more years in Scranton for a program that I am not fully invested in. I am being pulled somewhere else. Instead of financial stability, I need to co-mingle with folks who live in cities, believe in gay marriage, bicycle for their health and the earth, share books, play outside, are liberal/open, etc. I must live by myself and take care of myself in my dog. And it cannot be in the far away future. I want to live in a city and struggle to bring my groceries home on my bike, bring my clothes to a laundromat , pay too much for a beer or meal because they can charge you that. I want to met people by coincidence simply by walking through the city.
No matter how much time it takes you to get where you are going it is never wasted. I believe it is exactly what you need at that moment in your life. As I get older it seems to me that everything is builds off your circumstantial experiences. Had I not lost my job, moved to Costa Rica and moved home I would never be working as a yoga teacher and for an amazing non-profit. What I am more surprised about is being a yoga teacher.
I have always known that I will be doing yoga the rest of my life. I never expected to be a yoga teacher. But, I honestly love it and would like to make this part of my life forever, too. There is something amazing about connecting and feeling the energy of a class in addition to exuding your energy to motivate a class. And this is just the beginning. I hope I can spiritually be a help to the students, too. In many ways this means more to me than any "job" I have had in my life. And it all happened when I least expected it.
So, with everything in the past year- questions about where I should go and what I should do, these aren't yet answered and maybe never will be. Life is always changing. When you are s child it seems it takes forever to grow up. And once you graduate high school years fly by like weeks. Nothing is ever typical whether you decide to get married and have a family or decide you must know the rest of the world before you leave it this time. I will never stop growing and learning, but I will never stop being who I am.
No more expectations. I don't know where I am exactly going, but isn't that the beauty?
